Mindy Kaling has beauty, brains and smashing success. Now, join us on our mission to find her Mr. Right and make the rom-com happy ending of her dreams come true!

She's Just A Girl, Standing In Front of a Boy, Asking Him To Love Her...

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Dear Hillary – Please Read This Before Your Next Debate

This article has been posted also to Huffington Post.

Let me start by saying that I need, We the People need, Earthlings really really need Hillary to win this Presidential election. I’m not going to dwell on the obvious reasons.

The points of this article stem from witnessing the First Presidential Debate and realizing that Hillary needs help. Yes, I am sure Hillary has plenty of savants coaching her. These people are clearly clueless.

Hillary’s advisors, running the gamut from top aides, economists, legal experts, communications specialists, and questionable stylists, are obviously established and experienced political advisors. Here’s the problem. Trump is not your typical politician or Presidential nominee.

It’s like having Phil Jackson coach the 2002 Lakers in the NBA Finals, against the Blob. For those unfamiliar with the sci-fi/horror classic, “a growing corrosive alien amoeba that crashes from outer space in a meteorite and engulfs and dissolves citizens in the small community of Downingtown, Pennsylvania” (thanks Wikipedia). Anyone who knows anything about horror classics, knows the best triangle offense won’t take out the Blob! No, you need Steve McQueen, “The King of Cool,” to freeze and dispatch that monster to the Arctic.

My point: Hillary and her people are no match for the Blob. They are literally what Blobs feed on. It’s total ecological disturbance, you know like that Mashable article about goldfish in the wild. Here, the Vasser river in Australia is the 2016 Presidential Campaign and discarded into that river, the teeny tiny goldfish no one took seriously, Trump. Except, now, the goldfish has grown thousands its size to that of a sea bass (but way gnarly and not tasty whatsoever), introducing disease, breeding rapidly, wreaking havoc on the native fish, i.e. regular politicians, and threatening the entire ecosystem, aka, our world as we know it.  

Whether you look at it as a monstrous Blob or an overgrown goldfish, Trump is an alien invading an environment in which he has no business existing, and yet he is thriving, infecting the rational decision-making of American citizens or feeding off the lack thereof. He will continue to thrive until, as with a pandemic, he is properly inoculated against and eradicated. Basically, you can’t treat small pox with Nyquil… or politics as usual.

This article does not offer the cure sadly, but attempts to better define the Beast and to critique current response measures within the First Presidential Debate.

TIP: Hillary, answer the goddamn questions, directly, to the point, without rambling.

Let us examine the very first question of the debate: “Secretary Clinton, why are you a better choice than your opponent to create the kinds of jobs that will put more money into the pockets of American works?”

Hillary’s Answer: “Well, thank you, Lester, and thanks to Hofstra for hosting us. The central question in this election is really what kind of country we want to be and what kind of future we’ll build together. Today is my granddaughter’s second birthday, so I think about this a lot. First, we have to build an economy that works for everyone, not just those at the top. That means we need new jobs, good jobs, with rising incomes.”

What is happening here? Why are you wasting time stating the obvious? Of course, everyone wants a better economy. And so what if it’s your granddaughter’s second birthday? REALLY? Who CARES? If Chelsea didn’t pop out a baby, would you be any less concerned?

What was the question again? Oh that’s right – Why are you a better choice than Trump for job creation?

Hillary’s answer continues: “I want us to invest in you. I want us to invest in your future. That means jobs in infrastructure, in advanced manufacturing, innovation and technology, clean, renewable energy, and small business, because most of the new jobs will come from small business. We also have to make the economy fairer. That starts with raising the national minimum wage and also guarantee, finally, equal pay for women’s work.”

Hillary, guuurl, you are just stringing along a bunch of buzz words and phrases that sound great. However, you still haven’t answered the question!? You only get 2 minutes!

I can’t help but wonder why you’re not answering this question.

Now, if you were Trump, I can see why there would be a struggle to actually articulate credentials, experience or accomplishments that would irrefutably establish oneself as the better choice. However, Hillary, you are not Trump. You are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better than Trump. You were a United States Senator, a current Secretary of State. Why are you hedging here?

I think I have an idea. The foundation of Trump’s campaign is that he is a political outsider who therefore can comfortably pull no punches lambasting the current establishment for every disgruntlement of unhappy Americans everywhere. This is weird, right? Because usually in a Presidential election, you have career politicians from each major party duking it out, firmly entrenched in the establishment within which they “Frank Underwood” their ways up the ranks to Presidential nominees.

Trump’s mantra is that he is “not a politician.” He peddles “change” like it’s snake oil to cure all maladies and make “America great again.” It is the classic magic elixir ruse of a charlatan and disturbingly, Americans (and the Republican Party shamelessly) are buying.

Therefore, perhaps you are reluctant to identify as a political insider. However, being vague does not counteract the notion that you are part of the establishment, Hillary. All it does is make you sound shady, which is the hallmark of virtually every established politician.

Now’s let examine how Trump answers: “Mr. Trump, the same question to you. It’s about putting money — more money into the pockets of American workers. You have up to two minutes."

Trump: “Thank you, Lester. Our jobs are fleeing the country. They’re going to Mexico. They’re going to many other countries. You look at what China is doing to our country in terms of making our product. They’re devaluing their currency, and there’s nobody in our government to fight them….
So we’re losing our good jobs, so many of them…..
So Ford is leaving. You see that, their small car division leaving. Thousands of jobs leaving Michigan, leaving Ohio. They’re all leaving. And we can’t allow it to happen anymore.
But we have to stop our jobs from being stolen from us. We have to stop our companies from leaving the United States and, with it, firing all of their people. All you have to do is take a look at Carrier air conditioning in Indianapolis. They left — fired 1,400 people. They’re going to Mexico. So many hundreds and hundreds of companies are doing this.
We cannot let it happen. Under my plan, I’ll be reducing taxes tremendously, from 35 percent to 15 percent for companies, small and big businesses. That’s going to be a job creator like we haven’t seen since Ronald Reagan. It’s going to be a beautiful thing to watch.
Companies will come. They will build. They will expand. New companies will start. And I look very, very much forward to doing it. We have to renegotiate our trade deals, and we have to stop these countries from stealing our companies and our jobs.”

Do you see what Tump did here? He actually answered the question. It’s seems to be of less consequence whether his answer actually stands up against fact checking. He has clearly identified a problem, the culprits, and his (totally bullshit) solution. It’s an answer that anyone, whether they agree with him or not, can follow. Even if it’s flawed in terms of examples used, rationale in resolving, clarity of resolution articulated, it is direct and to the point in terms of an answer.

So Hillary, what must you do?
You must start answering the questions, more plainly.

Many Americans are legitimately unhappy. Identify those reasons. When asked about jobs, don’t speak in terms of advanced manufacturing and clean, renewable energy. That’s like talking to a drowning person about how Michael Phelps overcame ADHD and that doofy face to become the greatest Olympian of all time.

This doesn’t mean that you can’t talk about advanced manufacturing and clean, renewable energy. Recognize however the distinction between their connection to job creation versus the argument that climate change is real, which is real and important, but not as compelling to people more pissed about eking out a reasonable living for themselves and their families who could care less about the plight of polar bears (I love polar bears and totally see the bigger picture).

People are upset about jobs, losing jobs, unlivable minimum wage, the diminishing of the middle class, taxes, the insane gap between the richest 1% and how the most rich exploit loopholes to find a way to beat the system and everyone else (probably, yourself included, so I get how this could be sticky for you).

You must address these issues plainly and be more specific about your solutions. Don’t channel Hillary speaking to members of Congress about NAFTA and CAFTA, or a bunch of other acronyms that are meaningless to most Americans. Speak to the people, tell them no lies and don’t patronize. Then maybe you can make (some of) them (especially in Pennsylvania, Ohio, Florida, etc.) love you even if they don’t. And never, ever, plug your book to refer to your plans!

Herein also lies your combat strategy. Trump wants to liken you to the establishment that has failed the people; liken Trump to the 1% who has benefited from exploiting the system; a corrupt businessman with multiple bankruptcies, unfair labor practices and illegal workers, whose ties are made in China!! (Letterman 4-eva), who does not care about the average American. Don’t talk about his Dad. You don’t have to go there to take down the son.

Embrace your part in the establishment. Tell the people more specifically what you have done to effect change (fighting for 9/11 first responders; expanding health coverage to millions of lower-income children; pay equity act; international relations) and what you plan to change in the future. Trump is the outsider, who has no clue. You’re the insider who can work the system to their advantage. Lay out your plan. Destroy Trump’s non-plan. Reveal him for the quack that he is. You can’t do this if you don’t engage him or the issues directly.

TIP: Stop talking about your family.

Whenever you talk about your “immigrant” grandmother or your small business-man father who squeegeed relentlessly, you sound like you’re selling baloney. You are not the underdog. You’re never going to convince the unconvinced that you are anything but a very rich, very powerful white person. The good news, plenty of very rich, very powerful white people before you have successfully ascended into the Presidency. None of them however, was a woman. Bringing me to my next tip.

TIP: You are a woman and this country is sexist.

So stop talking about your grandkids also. If you are elected President, then yes, we will have a Grandma as President but until then, chill.

TIP: I love Bill but don’t praise Bill.

“I think my husband did a pretty good job in the 1990s. I think a lot about what worked and how we can make it work again...”

Statements like this, perhaps unfairly, make your Presidential run look nepotistic. The unconvinced voter will not be readily convinced that you are qualified to be President because of your husband’s presidency or the great things that he accomplished (even if you were responsible).

TIP: I love the Obamas but don’t praise the Obamas.

“But I like to remember what Michelle Obama said in her amazing speech at our Democratic National Convention: When they go low, we go high. And Barack Obama went high, despite Donald Trump’s best efforts to bring him down.”

When you make statements like these, you sound like a minion of the current establishment. You will not win the unconvinced minority vote this way either. It’s clear who Barack and Michelle support. However, you who too enthusiastically align yourself with the outgoing administration will not win favor with those less enthusiastic. You could have called out Trump on his incessant racist birther attack of Obama on the nonsense of the issue alone.

TIP: You are a woman and this country is HELLA sexist.

No more red power suits. Red is for harlots and the devil. You are already too intimidating, i.e. the primary reason articulated by successful women who remain single. Don’t intimidate potential voters. Blue suit, Empire or Jay-Z.

TIP: Win the first 15 minutes of the next debate.

There’s more I could get into when it comes to the first debate but my analysis here is largely based on your performance in the first 15 minutes. That’s about as long as the attention span of your average, undecided American voter.

God help you Hillary Clinton. God help us all.  Good luck and may the electoral college be with you.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Merry Christmas Mindy & The Rainbow Connection

Dear Mindy,

The busy holiday season got the better of me and it's been a while since I've posted. However, I did not want to close out 2015 without acknowledging you my dear. You've had an incredible year - new home for your show, new book, and... perchance new lovers like no other

I realized I initiated this blog in January 2015, although it took me a couple of months to really get it going - and it was about a month after that you blocked me- which was pretty amazing. I didn't cover all the topics I had in mind but I picked up some cool followers and Instagram Mindians along the way. I also choose to believe you may have possibly shouted me out on your show -just let me have this delusion guys. All in all, it was a blast in the past.

Now, on to the future. I am convinced that one day you will star in my epic movie or musical blockbuster of all time. I tell myself that I will wait until the wrap party to drop my secret-blogger past on you but I know that I will not be able to contain myself past the initial casting lunch. This will give you momentary but inconsequential pause about joining my production. Even more fame and fortune will follow. We will eventually co-godparent Franco's adorable bastard twins. It will all be so amazing. 

But I must write it for this to come. Therefore, blogging must give way. It won't be goodbye forever. I may even post from time to time. And if you are ever in need of some noble-hearted rando, just give me a sign - maybe an unblocking?

Remember when you were younger, and for motivation you thought of the awesome peeps you'd befriend once you made it; mine would be you

Yours Truly.

What's so amazing

That keeps us stargazing

And what do we think we might see

Someday we'll find it

The rainbow connection

The lovers, the dreamers, and me

Thursday, November 5, 2015

I am not Mr. Robot

Dear Peeps,

There are multiple posts I've been meaning to write - still covering Why Not Me? Thanks to the awesome @madcharitable (aileenr on Instagram), I have even more data to consider.

In the meantime, a question I received from a reader was pretty amusing to me - whether I am able to write my creeptastic posts because I am a computer hacker? 

This is hysterical and impossible, although the staples of my wardrobe are hoodies. Plus I love society. I am not an anarchist or revolutionary. I am a mid-level muggle most reliable consumer of capitalist excess. I live for the excesses. I detest change. The ads you see on TV - they were made for me. I am the demographic. 

Stay tuned. Please feel free to email more inquiries to But please don't hack me.   

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Why Not Me? "One Of The President's Men" Update

Dear Mindy,

I have it on good authority that your boy felt blindsided by the tell-some chapter in your book and in typical guy fashion, he didn't feel it was an accurate depiction of what happened between you two. 

So if you were wondering what he thought about it, now you know. Don't ask me how I know this. I don't know him and he doesn't know that I know it was him. Let's just say it's a freakishly small universe. 

If your aim was payback by blowing up his spot in a diabolically effective but contained way, mission accomplished. I bet he's way flattered even as he protests.

I'm still impressed that you wrote it. 


Thursday, October 15, 2015

Mindy Don't Know Me Like That

For those of you out there who have wondered and even inquired, I do not know Mindy Kaling!

I have never met Mindy Kaling, am not employed by Mindy Kaling, and am not connected to anyone in her social circle, remote or otherwise, who has sold out her personal secrets.

What I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like... Mindy Kaling... who has never wronged me in any way and who just happens to be at the center of my current celebrity fixations. 

I'm not psychic but I do have a sixth sense that may somehow be related to my astigmatism. While I'm no Robert Downey Jr., my powers of deduction are surprisingly on point, especially when the subject is a celebrity because then I am privy to lots of information I have no business knowing.

If I were unscrupulous, I would already have had made a fortune as a celebrity palm-reader (for entertainment purposes only). I would also have outed the Obama aide that Mindy writes about in Why Not Me? "One Of The President's Men." 

Very clever Mindy but I was not led astray gobbling up your tasty breadcrumbs of misdirection. Yes, I'd wager that I have indeed identified the non-villain/hero in your love chapter. Well, that may sound like B.S.; Nevertheless, I will maintain Mindy's secret, knowing she wouldn't want to subject this guy to "the censure of the world for caprice." 

Sometimes I'm concerned that people like me would cause Mindy to be more guarded and to therefore share less, ruining it for us all.
I would like to take this time to reassure Mindy that I don't want to be the cause of that suckage. While my blog may occasionally blow up her spot, it will not be with malicious intent. My favorite things in life include Mindy's chapters and Taylor's songs. 

Hey Mindy, if you're ever curious about what you revealed that gave it away, have your people call my people. 

Saturday, October 10, 2015

Why Not Me? Book Profiling - Acknowledgments

As I mentioned in my review of Why Not Me?, I wanted to dissect the book further in additional blog posts.

It's easy to overlook the Acknowledgments section, overshadowed by the wit and affability with which the actual chapters of the book are so carefully crafted. But to me, it is the most revealing section of the book and therefore, perhaps even my favorite. It was the place I first turned to when I got Mindy's book in my hands (which says something about me - freak), and what a story it tells.

Including also the Dedication to Mindy's Mother

Mindians won't miss the lack of mentions, especially when compared to the acknowledgments in her first book, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns) - see below:

Now, I don't imagine every person who had been acknowledged previously and not mentioned in the second book's acknowledgments has bad blood with Mindy. Some of these people may simply have had involvement with the first book and not with the second. Mindy and Lena Dunham still seem to be friends.

Other missing shout-outs are more jarring, including:

Mindy's brother, Vijay - that's sad. Obviously, Mindy couldn't have loved her brother's whole Indian-face fiasco. In fact, it was reported that her rep stated at the time of the embarrassing media coverage: "Mindy has been estranged from her brother for years. She was not aware of his decision to apply to medical school under a different name and race.

I still wish these siblings would reconcile. I think they may have already been on their way to making up had their Mom been around to force the issue like moms usually do. 

Mindy, think about making up with your crazy brother - he's still your family. We won't judge you for his antics. 

Other former "dearest":
Brenda Withers (I called it) and Christina Hoe - an examination of this deserves its own post.

David Harris: 
Obviously, the ex-boyfriend wouldn't get a mention. While the current version of her first book doesn't include it (as you can see from the images above), a google book search reveals, that at one time in the first edition, David Harris had been acknowledged (as you can see from the image below). 

It seems that other references to her ex David have also been removed from the current version of Is Everyone Hanging Out With Me? Too bad I can't read the rest of this page:

Danny Chun: 
I'd guess that things aren't all good between these two former writing mates. The most telling indication of this is Mindy doesn't seem to have once mentioned or plugged Danny's new show, Grandfathered, on her social media. Interestingly, Grandfathered airs on the FOX network, which coldly dropped The Mindy Project - so perhaps this isn't a Danny snub but a FOX one instead?

Jack Burditt: 
While Jack wasn't in Mindy's first book, he was an Executive Producer and writer for The Mindy Project, and he's noticeably missing among the Why Not Me? mentions of Mindy's other writers on the show. I also noticed Jack seems to have moved on to working on The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. If I had to guess, I'd say the fall-out - if there was one - was fairly recent, like sometime this summer when The Mindy Project was gearing up for Season 4 on Hulu. Perhaps, Jack's exit from the team was less than smooth? Maybe, everything's fine and I should stop reading into nothing in Acknowledgments?!

P.S. Mindy loves carrot cake. This was not deduced from profiling her book but from other sources.


Saturday, October 3, 2015

Mindy Kaling Do You Want To Want Me?!

I can’t imagine a better ringtone for Mindy on Morgan’s phone than “Want to Want Me” by Jason Derulo. Well done, Mindy Project writers.
Bravo The Mindy Project writers! Bravo indeed!!

So there I am, watching the third episode of Season 4 of The Mindy Project, loving life, when suddenly, the amazing happens. Nurse Morgan's phone rings when Mindy calls, and people... the ringtone is JASON DERULO'S "WANT TO WANT ME." This happens not once, but twice in this magical episode.

The simplest explanation is that Mindy Kaling is indepedently a Jason Derulo fan and this has nothing to do with me.

However, when I layer assumption upon assumption, I reach a more outrageous and gratifying conclusion. Could it be, that this was a shout-out from Mindy/her writers? I have no concrete basis to think so, but I did write this post earlier in April dedicated to my girl. 

Also, I tweeted the incredible Charlie Grandy, the writer of Episode #403, and he actually acknowledged my existence!

Call me a megalomaniac but Mindy... could it be you don't hate me? Maybe you even like me? Maybe you're just messing with me. Even if Mindy is absolutely oblivious to me, perhaps our psychic antennas tuned in to the same universal frequency for a moment in time, when this hot single by Jason Derulo was playing? Please know, whatever the case, I love it. Thank you.