Look, This is me trying to write a post. Helpp mi! I kant bearly speell! Whyeee dos I suk so baad? Huh?
Isn't that funny?!
Also, my blog is so fat.
LOOK AT THIS FAT FONT SIZE. THIS IS THE FREAKING FATTEST HELVETICA GOOGLE BLOGGER WILL ALLOW.
Isn't that hilarious!?
Does this make any sense? Probably not. This is absolutely nonsensical. Is my blog retarded? Whoah, wait a minute. Why would I just write that? Am I retarded? Oh no. There I go again. Being so politically incorrect and also mean - to myself. Do you find this amusing?
Welcome to the comedic phenomenon that is making Amy Schumer bank. I applaud Amy - it's tough to make it in show business, and Amy is on the rise - not just figuratively but expanding literally, like a veritable dough girl. She has gignormous octupus arms, a prehistoric double chin, chows down like a farm animal and despite it all, is adorably undesirable.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Oh, it's not funny when I write it? But somehow, it's considered hilarious when it comes straight from the trough-eating piggie's mouth.
The sad part is Amy is obviously talented. I actually do find "Girl, You Don't Need Make-up" funny. Amy's interview on Ellen was also entertaining. It just makes me wonder, should I be questioning my humor sense?
Amy's brand of humor is perhaps more than self-deprecating - isn't it on any level disturbing? America is getting such a kick out of watching this woman tear herself down. It's like, hey, if they're all going to laugh at you anyway, beat them to their punchlines and charge them admission. It will all be worth it when you comfort yourself, alone - because no one wants you- in piles of money, and food. Don't forget the food, fatty.
What's the message that's being sent though about what makes women funny? Or to young girls about what they should aspire to? Or to bullies?
How low do women have to sink to gain appreciation from the masses and mainstream success? Is the way to hell paved by the hilarity of female self-loathing? If Amy Schumer discussed instead how many guys she laid or how hot she was, and not sarcastically, where would be the humor in that? Would it exist solely in the vacuum of its utter unbelievability?
So, where does Mindy Kaling fit in all of this. Mindy is empowering. Mindy is inspiring. Mindy also has been known to go for that (so cheap that it makes her rich) laugh - like in this 2015 Super Bowl commercial. I loved this commercial simply because it starred our girl. I thought she was funny. I was entertained.
Then, it dawned on me. Fuck you Matt Damon. Why do you have to be so fucking harsh?!
Oh sure, people will rationally argue, Matt Damon wouldn't just kiss some random person. Don't I know that Matt Damon is happily married to Luciana? People, this isn't real!? It's a Super Bowl commercial!
If Mindy Kaling can go through a car wash, sunbathe nude in Central Park, why do the laws of this far-fetched alternate dimension necessitate Matt Damon being repelled by her advances? As an audience, can our imaginations only be stretched so far? Is it that inconceivable for Matt Damon to be into Mindy Kaling even on Super Bowl Sunday - the night where a yellow lab best befriends a Clydesdale, Danny Trejo stars in the Brady Bunch, and Walter White is the neighborhood pharmacist? But nooo, Matt Damon would never want to kiss Mindy Kaling - that's just crazy town.
If it boils down to what's funnier, we should question the presumption that it's funny only when Mindy is rejected by a past-his-prime Matt Damon. Isn't the most effective comedy when the audience is surprised by the unexpected?
How hilarious might this alternate ending have been:
Matt Damon [leaning back, startled]: "Whoah, excuse me."
Mindy [surprised]: "Can you see me?"
Matt: "Yes, yes Ma'am."
Mindy: "You don't want to kiss, just to make sure."
Matt: [he's obviously going to say no]
Mindy [abashed]: yea..forget it... [then defensive] I didn't want to kiss you anyway Matt Damon...
Matt continued: [sudden enthusiasm] Yea sure! Why not?!
Matt swoops in on the now startled Mindy, dips her and enthusiastically tongues her down.
Voice-over Lady: "Join the Nation that sees you. Nationwide is on your side."
I realized that was the version of this commercial I would have wanted to see, and perhaps Mindy deserved - one where she's not only not actually invisible, but also recognized as undeniably desirable.
About now, I wonder if I'm like Jerry Seinfeld when he magnanimously advised Babu Bhatt to be true to his roots and change his "Dream Cafe" to an authentic Pakistani restaurant. This seemingly winning suggestion ruins Babu.
Amy Schumer and Mindy Kaling don't need career advice from a sucky blog writer. They're doing just fine on their own. It also crosses my mind that it may be unfair to saddle these successful female comedians with feminist moral obligations while their male counterparts roam free, unbridled in comedic pastures. Critics like myself are ultimately inconsistent, contradictory, untalented assholes. Gosh, I crack myself up.