 |
| Amy Schumer makes herself the BUTT of her own jokes. GET IT?! |
But guys, I'm not responsible for this, which includes Amy Schumer being mistaken for a garden gnome:
This brings me right back to THIS.
Wednesday, May 6, 2015
That's What She Said
I feel mean doing this.
This brings me right back to THIS.
This brings me right back to THIS.
Tuesday, May 5, 2015
Friday, May 1, 2015
My Dumb Blog Is So Unbelievably Hilarious
Hey guys, no one actually reads my blog. It sucks so bad. Mindy Kaling, the one person I was trying to impress, actually blocked me on Instagram. That's how much I suck.
Look, This is me trying to write a post. Helpp mi! I kant bearly speell! Whyeee dos I suk so baad? Huh?
Isn't that funny?!
Also, my blog is so fat.
LOOK AT THIS FAT FONT SIZE. THIS IS THE FREAKING FATTEST HELVETICA GOOGLE BLOGGER WILL ALLOW.
Isn't that hilarious!?
Does this make any sense? Probably not. This is absolutely nonsensical. Is my blog retarded? Whoah, wait a minute. Why would I just write that? Am I retarded? Oh no. There I go again. Being so politically incorrect and also mean - to myself. Do you find this amusing?
Welcome to the comedic phenomenon that is making Amy Schumer bank. I applaud Amy - it's tough to make it in show business, and Amy is on the rise - not just figuratively but expanding literally, like a veritable dough girl. She has gignormous octupus arms, a prehistoric double chin, chows down like a farm animal and despite it all, is adorably undesirable.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Oh, it's not funny when I write it? But somehow, it's considered hilarious when it comes straight from the trough-eating piggie's mouth.
The sad part is Amy is obviously talented. I actually do find "Girl, You Don't Need Make-up" funny. Amy's interview on Ellen was also entertaining. It just makes me wonder, should I be questioning my humor sense?
Amy's brand of humor is perhaps more than self-deprecating - isn't it on any level disturbing? America is getting such a kick out of watching this woman tear herself down. It's like, hey, if they're all going to laugh at you anyway, beat them to their punchlines and charge them admission. It will all be worth it when you comfort yourself, alone - because no one wants you- in piles of money, and food. Don't forget the food, fatty.
What's the message that's being sent though about what makes women funny? Or to young girls about what they should aspire to? Or to bullies?
How low do women have to sink to gain appreciation from the masses and mainstream success? Is the way to hell paved by the hilarity of female self-loathing? If Amy Schumer discussed instead how many guys she laid or how hot she was, and not sarcastically, where would be the humor in that? Would it exist solely in the vacuum of its utter unbelievability?
So, where does Mindy Kaling fit in all of this. Mindy is empowering. Mindy is inspiring. Mindy also has been known to go for that (so cheap that it makes her rich) laugh - like in this 2015 Super Bowl commercial. I loved this commercial simply because it starred our girl. I thought she was funny. I was entertained.
Then, it dawned on me. Fuck you Matt Damon. Why do you have to be so fucking harsh?!
Oh sure, people will rationally argue, Matt Damon wouldn't just kiss some random person. Don't I know that Matt Damon is happily married to Luciana? People, this isn't real!? It's a Super Bowl commercial!
If Mindy Kaling can go through a car wash, sunbathe nude in Central Park, why do the laws of this far-fetched alternate dimension necessitate Matt Damon being repelled by her advances? As an audience, can our imaginations only be stretched so far? Is it that inconceivable for Matt Damon to be into Mindy Kaling even on Super Bowl Sunday - the night where a yellow lab best befriends a Clydesdale, Danny Trejo stars in the Brady Bunch, and Walter White is the neighborhood pharmacist? But nooo, Matt Damon would never want to kiss Mindy Kaling - that's just crazy town.
If it boils down to what's funnier, we should question the presumption that it's funny only when Mindy is rejected by a past-his-prime Matt Damon. Isn't the most effective comedy when the audience is surprised by the unexpected?
How hilarious might this alternate ending have been:
I realized that was the version of this commercial I would have wanted to see, and perhaps Mindy deserved - one where she's not only not actually invisible, but also recognized as undeniably desirable.
About now, I wonder if I'm like Jerry Seinfeld when he magnanimously advised Babu Bhatt to be true to his roots and change his "Dream Cafe" to an authentic Pakistani restaurant. This seemingly winning suggestion ruins Babu.
Amy Schumer and Mindy Kaling don't need career advice from a sucky blog writer. They're doing just fine on their own. It also crosses my mind that it may be unfair to saddle these successful female comedians with feminist moral obligations while their male counterparts roam free, unbridled in comedic pastures. Critics like myself are ultimately inconsistent, contradictory, untalented assholes. Gosh, I crack myself up.
Look, This is me trying to write a post. Helpp mi! I kant bearly speell! Whyeee dos I suk so baad? Huh?
Isn't that funny?!
Also, my blog is so fat.
LOOK AT THIS FAT FONT SIZE. THIS IS THE FREAKING FATTEST HELVETICA GOOGLE BLOGGER WILL ALLOW.
Isn't that hilarious!?
Does this make any sense? Probably not. This is absolutely nonsensical. Is my blog retarded? Whoah, wait a minute. Why would I just write that? Am I retarded? Oh no. There I go again. Being so politically incorrect and also mean - to myself. Do you find this amusing?
Welcome to the comedic phenomenon that is making Amy Schumer bank. I applaud Amy - it's tough to make it in show business, and Amy is on the rise - not just figuratively but expanding literally, like a veritable dough girl. She has gignormous octupus arms, a prehistoric double chin, chows down like a farm animal and despite it all, is adorably undesirable.
What the fuck is wrong with me? Oh, it's not funny when I write it? But somehow, it's considered hilarious when it comes straight from the trough-eating piggie's mouth.
The sad part is Amy is obviously talented. I actually do find "Girl, You Don't Need Make-up" funny. Amy's interview on Ellen was also entertaining. It just makes me wonder, should I be questioning my humor sense?
Amy's brand of humor is perhaps more than self-deprecating - isn't it on any level disturbing? America is getting such a kick out of watching this woman tear herself down. It's like, hey, if they're all going to laugh at you anyway, beat them to their punchlines and charge them admission. It will all be worth it when you comfort yourself, alone - because no one wants you- in piles of money, and food. Don't forget the food, fatty.
What's the message that's being sent though about what makes women funny? Or to young girls about what they should aspire to? Or to bullies?
How low do women have to sink to gain appreciation from the masses and mainstream success? Is the way to hell paved by the hilarity of female self-loathing? If Amy Schumer discussed instead how many guys she laid or how hot she was, and not sarcastically, where would be the humor in that? Would it exist solely in the vacuum of its utter unbelievability?
So, where does Mindy Kaling fit in all of this. Mindy is empowering. Mindy is inspiring. Mindy also has been known to go for that (so cheap that it makes her rich) laugh - like in this 2015 Super Bowl commercial. I loved this commercial simply because it starred our girl. I thought she was funny. I was entertained.
Then, it dawned on me. Fuck you Matt Damon. Why do you have to be so fucking harsh?!
Oh sure, people will rationally argue, Matt Damon wouldn't just kiss some random person. Don't I know that Matt Damon is happily married to Luciana? People, this isn't real!? It's a Super Bowl commercial!
If Mindy Kaling can go through a car wash, sunbathe nude in Central Park, why do the laws of this far-fetched alternate dimension necessitate Matt Damon being repelled by her advances? As an audience, can our imaginations only be stretched so far? Is it that inconceivable for Matt Damon to be into Mindy Kaling even on Super Bowl Sunday - the night where a yellow lab best befriends a Clydesdale, Danny Trejo stars in the Brady Bunch, and Walter White is the neighborhood pharmacist? But nooo, Matt Damon would never want to kiss Mindy Kaling - that's just crazy town.
If it boils down to what's funnier, we should question the presumption that it's funny only when Mindy is rejected by a past-his-prime Matt Damon. Isn't the most effective comedy when the audience is surprised by the unexpected?
How hilarious might this alternate ending have been:
Matt Damon [leaning back, startled]: "Whoah, excuse me."
Mindy [surprised]: "Can you see me?"
Matt: "Yes, yes Ma'am."
Mindy: "You don't want to kiss, just to make sure."
Matt: [he's obviously going to say no]
Mindy [abashed]: yea..forget it... [then defensive] I didn't want to kiss you anyway Matt Damon...
Matt continued: [sudden enthusiasm] Yea sure! Why not?!
Matt swoops in on the now startled Mindy, dips her and enthusiastically tongues her down.
Voice-over Lady: "Join the Nation that sees you. Nationwide is on your side."
I realized that was the version of this commercial I would have wanted to see, and perhaps Mindy deserved - one where she's not only not actually invisible, but also recognized as undeniably desirable.
About now, I wonder if I'm like Jerry Seinfeld when he magnanimously advised Babu Bhatt to be true to his roots and change his "Dream Cafe" to an authentic Pakistani restaurant. This seemingly winning suggestion ruins Babu.
Amy Schumer and Mindy Kaling don't need career advice from a sucky blog writer. They're doing just fine on their own. It also crosses my mind that it may be unfair to saddle these successful female comedians with feminist moral obligations while their male counterparts roam free, unbridled in comedic pastures. Critics like myself are ultimately inconsistent, contradictory, untalented assholes. Gosh, I crack myself up.
Bachelor # 3 - Michael Lee (that rhymes)
So, even though Mindy has shunned us, we will continue our good works. Especially when our good works look like this:
Michael is 31 years old, and the brain child behind this app PL8Chat, available for download through the Apple Store.
 |
| We made him take his shirt off. |
Michael is 31 years old, and the brain child behind this app PL8Chat, available for download through the Apple Store.
PL8Chat users can chat each other up using their license plates. For example:
Let your imaginations run wild with the possibilities. This technology could allow you to chat up that hottie in the Maserati, or mini-Red Cooper.
So, readers, although Mindy's got first dibs, don't be shy to message this hottie on PL8Chat today!
Let your imaginations run wild with the possibilities. This technology could allow you to chat up that hottie in the Maserati, or mini-Red Cooper.
So, readers, although Mindy's got first dibs, don't be shy to message this hottie on PL8Chat today!
 |
| Not as blurry on Instagram - @manformindy |
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
The Jason Derulo Love Test
Listen carefully to the lyrics of this song ("Want To Want Me"):
Now, if you can't imagine your man feeling these lyrics about you, you should seriously question your relationship.
You should literally (or in other words) be able to envision your man saying this:
"Girl, you're the one I want to want me,
And if you want, hey Girl you got me,
There's nothing I, Girl, I wouldn't do... just to get up next to you."
Ask yourself:
When you wear nothing but a smile, does he fall to the floor?
Does just the thought of you get him so high?
In the back of the cab, would he tip the driver ahead of time and ask, get me there fast?
Would he do anything and everything just to get up next to you?
Ring the alarm if the answers are:
He takes a rain check on that.
He's the only one among the two of you who does not actually know if you're dating.
He has ever pointed out blemishes questioning what's on your face.
He critiques your fashion sense and advises that you should dress better.
He peppers his criticism with acknowledgments of your talent to bolster his credibility and your affections.
You actually believe that his generous critiquing is a testament to your best friendship. However, he is quite insecure about you returning the favor.
Every now and then, he is uncharacteristically effusive in his admiration of other women and you enthusiastically echo his sentiments so as to not seem petty.
You are the butt of his jokes because he "loves" you.
You don't witness him making similar jokes about those he respects (especially other men).
It's about time you had a man make you feel the way Jason Derulo sings.
Now, if you can't imagine your man feeling these lyrics about you, you should seriously question your relationship.
You should literally (or in other words) be able to envision your man saying this:
"Girl, you're the one I want to want me,
And if you want, hey Girl you got me,
There's nothing I, Girl, I wouldn't do... just to get up next to you."
Ask yourself:
When you wear nothing but a smile, does he fall to the floor?
Does just the thought of you get him so high?
In the back of the cab, would he tip the driver ahead of time and ask, get me there fast?
Would he do anything and everything just to get up next to you?
He takes a rain check on that.
He's the only one among the two of you who does not actually know if you're dating.
He has ever pointed out blemishes questioning what's on your face.
He critiques your fashion sense and advises that you should dress better.
He peppers his criticism with acknowledgments of your talent to bolster his credibility and your affections.
You actually believe that his generous critiquing is a testament to your best friendship. However, he is quite insecure about you returning the favor.
Every now and then, he is uncharacteristically effusive in his admiration of other women and you enthusiastically echo his sentiments so as to not seem petty.
You are the butt of his jokes because he "loves" you.
You don't witness him making similar jokes about those he respects (especially other men).
It's about time you had a man make you feel the way Jason Derulo sings.
There's nothing the man who is worthy of you wouldn't do just to get up next to you Mindy!
Thursday, April 23, 2015
Why Mindy Blocked Us On Instagram
So, as typical when getting dumped, we asked ourselves why? Why did @mindykaling block us on Instagram?
Didn't we make her happy?
Didn't she see how good we were together?
How could she do this to us?
Don't you know you'll always be my baby.
And we'll linger on...
Then, we started connecting the dots... and it was like we had pictures(oftext) in our mind... and we could see how it all could have gone down.
SCENE:
INT: Ladurée (pretentious, excuse us, adorable French luxury bakery, in Soho, NY) - TWILIGHT
Our heroine, Mindy Kaling, shares a baby pink macaroon confection with her "it's complicated"-ex & BFF B.J. Novak.
Easy and breezy, Mindy brings up our post "Leading Lady & the Ex-Factor" -which she may or may not have been stewing over since it was brought to her attention.
Mindy : "Blah blah blah... so isn't that kinda obnoxious actually? Right?"
B.J.: "Am I the only man here? Am I the only man that has EVER been here?"
Mindy: "If we were like E.T. and Elliot, who's E.T.?"
B.J.: "This is absurd."
Mindy: "Actually, it is absurd isn't it? I mean, if E.T. and Elliot were anything like us, E.T. wouldn't be the charming alien beloved by us all. He'd be like some big, creepy, extraterrestrial child predator, and with that freaky, long, glowing finger, no, GROSS... that's just disgusting B.J.!"
B.J.: [Dull look]
Mindy: "Stop looking at me like that. I hate when you look at me like that."
B.J.: [Eye roll]
Mindy: "Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to overreact. I mean, if it had bothered me, I would have called you out on it in like October 2014... Obviously, I know what you meant..."
B.J.: "Great."
Mindy: "Clearly, you're E.T."
B.J.: "How am I E.T.?"
Mindy: "What do you mean how are you E.T.? How am I E.T.??!"
B.J.: "So, you're the 10-year old little white kid?"
Mindy: "I'd rather be a boy than a hideous extraterrestrial!!!"
B.J.: "E.T. isn't hideous."
Mindy: "Oh, right, and I bet you share a great and terrible chemistry with him too?! Give me a break!"
B.J.: "E.T. is magical."
Mindy: "What the hell are you saying?"
B.J.: "E.T. saves Elliot from dying, leaves a giant rainbow in the sky and everyone is sad when E.T. goes."
Mindy: "...Really?"
B.J.: [Dull look]
Mindy: "You think I'm magical..."
B.J.: [Dull look]
Mindy: "Awwwwww... you love me! You wanna kiss me! You wanna have my glow-in-the-dark alien babies!"
B.J.: [Eye roll]
Mindy: "Oh B.J.! Let's never let a stupid no-name rando fan blog come between us again!"
@manformindy BLOCKED.
And they all lived happily ever after!
Didn't we make her happy?
Didn't she see how good we were together?
How could she do this to us?
Don't you know you'll always be my baby.
And we'll linger on...
Then, we started connecting the dots... and it was like we had pictures(oftext) in our mind... and we could see how it all could have gone down.
SCENE:
INT: Ladurée (pretentious, excuse us, adorable French luxury bakery, in Soho, NY) - TWILIGHT
Our heroine, Mindy Kaling, shares a baby pink macaroon confection with her "it's complicated"-ex & BFF B.J. Novak.
Easy and breezy, Mindy brings up our post "Leading Lady & the Ex-Factor" -which she may or may not have been stewing over since it was brought to her attention.
 |
Mindy : "Blah blah blah... so isn't that kinda obnoxious actually? Right?"
 |
| *This pic not actually from Laduree |
B.J.: "Am I the only man here? Am I the only man that has EVER been here?"
B.J.: What are you talking about?
Mindy: "If we were like E.T. and Elliot, who's E.T.?"
B.J.: "This is absurd."
Mindy: "Actually, it is absurd isn't it? I mean, if E.T. and Elliot were anything like us, E.T. wouldn't be the charming alien beloved by us all. He'd be like some big, creepy, extraterrestrial child predator, and with that freaky, long, glowing finger, no, GROSS... that's just disgusting B.J.!"
B.J.: [Dull look]
Mindy: "Stop looking at me like that. I hate when you look at me like that."
B.J.: [Eye roll]
Mindy: "Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to overreact. I mean, if it had bothered me, I would have called you out on it in like October 2014... Obviously, I know what you meant..."
B.J.: "Great."
Mindy: "Clearly, you're E.T."
B.J.: "How am I E.T.?"
Mindy: "What do you mean how are you E.T.? How am I E.T.??!"
B.J.: "So, you're the 10-year old little white kid?"
Mindy: "I'd rather be a boy than a hideous extraterrestrial!!!"
B.J.: "E.T. isn't hideous."
Mindy: "Oh, right, and I bet you share a great and terrible chemistry with him too?! Give me a break!"
B.J.: "E.T. is magical."
Mindy: "What the hell are you saying?"
B.J.: "E.T. saves Elliot from dying, leaves a giant rainbow in the sky and everyone is sad when E.T. goes."
Mindy: "...Really?"
B.J.: [Dull look]
Mindy: "You think I'm magical..."
B.J.: [Dull look]
Mindy: "Awwwwww... you love me! You wanna kiss me! You wanna have my glow-in-the-dark alien babies!"
B.J.: [Eye roll]
Mindy: "Oh B.J.! Let's never let a stupid no-name rando fan blog come between us again!"
@manformindy BLOCKED.
And they all lived happily ever after!
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